A Secret Life

Last Wednesday, Tristan's mom, Alta, passed away peacefully. She fought a hard fight in her last few years. She survived two broken hips and more recently a bout with pneumonia that would have taken down almost anyone else her age. Shauna, Tristan and I sat by her bedside day and night the last few days of her life. It was an honor and a blessing to be there with her.

In preparation for her funeral, we shuffled through a pile of old photographs. We found this one. Not one of her children had seen it before and it surprised us all. We also found a couple of letters that she had written to her boyfriend-not-yet-husband who was serving in the Army in Italy during World War II. They began with, "My Darling Donald."

That night before I went to sleep, I couldn't get Alta out of my thoughts. The Alta I knew was never very outwardly affectionate, yet the letters were proof that she had been that way during the earlier years of her life. The picture is so cute, a picture of a girl with life in her eyes, a hope for all that was ahead of her. I began to think that I didn't ever really get to know Alta. I only knew her as Tristan's mom, my mother-in-law, and my children's grandmother. I think she had a secret life that none of us really understood. A life that made Alta who she was. A life that made her happy and dream. A life where she loved. A life where she danced away her cares. A life that later handed her more than she thought she was capable of living. I hope someday to get to know and enjoy that secret Alta.

It also made me think about my relationship with my children. Have I laughed enough with them that they know I love to laugh and have fun? Have I been affectionate enough that they know I love to be affectionate? Have I pushed them hard enough that they know how good it feels to me to achieve a goal? Have I apologized enough that they know I didn't really know how to be a mother and had to experiment on them? Have I shown my gratitude enough that they know I am really so thankful for the overabundance of blessings I have been given? Have I born my testimony and lived a good enough life so that they know I love and trust Heavenly Father? Have I been obedient enough so they know that obedience is important to me in this life? I think I have lots of things to really work on.

I think all mothers carry a secret life somewhere deep inside them. After all, they were not always a mother to someone, but they were once young girls with secret dreams and aspirations.

I'm sorry, and I apologize that I never took the time to know the secret you, Alta. I will miss you. And I look forward to the eternities of getting to know who you really were.